My nightmares started when I was young in the monastery. I would dream I was running frantically through a pine forest, my superior in hot pursuit. My only thought was, I must get away.
I could hear her running after me, the sound of her feet pounding on the gravel. Finally, I dove into a bush, my breathing heavy as I heard the footsteps coming closer. I held my breath as best as I could, waiting for the footsteps to pass.
Then, a hand grabbed my shoulder as I was dragged from the bush and back to the monastery. I'd wake up in a start, my heart pounding and my clothes soaked.
I had this dream repeatedly throughout the years. When I finally got a therapist, I mentioned my dream.
My therapist looked at me blankly.
I'm probably making a big deal about nothing, I shrugged. I never mentioned it again.
Fast forward to grad school, a course on psychopathology, where the professor went over the list of trauma symptoms and mentioned one: repeated distressing dreams, or night terrors.
My heart stopped.
I couldn't believe my ears. Repeated nightmares? I've had those for over 20 years!
Dumbfounded, overwhelmed, and panicked, I sat there waiting out the class. After class I spoke with my professor, who encouraged me to get trauma therapy.
This was why I got overwhelmed at times and couldn't manage my emotions. This was why I struggled in my life to find meaning and purpose. This was why I still had nightmares.
EMDR helped me heal.
You don't have to live with trauma.